


The Life of Spidey (As Seen Through A Spider-Man Fan Account)

by hi_im_jared_19



Category: Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, Minor Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pepper Potts Is a Good Bro, Peter Parker Needs a Break, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Peter Parker is a Mess, Precious Peter Parker, Rated T because I swear a lot, Social Media, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark is Done with This Shit, Twitter, like blink and you miss it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:40:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24195274
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hi_im_jared_19/pseuds/hi_im_jared_19
Summary: Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboyDisclaimer: I appreciate Spidey stepping up to help others. If more people acted like him, the world would be a better place. He is undeniably a good person. That being said, he is an entire human disaster, and I’m here to prove it.ORSpider-Man's rise to popularity through the lens of a random twitter account dedicated to his dumbassery.
Relationships: Michelle Jones/Peter Parker, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Comments: 138
Kudos: 1043
Collections: Social Media Fics





	1. Origin Story

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy

Disclaimer: I appreciate Spidey stepping up to help others. If more people acted like him, the world would be a better place. He is undeniably a good person. That being said, he is an entire human disaster, and I’m here to prove it. 

46,577 Retweets – 158,813 Likes

__________

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy

[gif of spider-man stuffing a churro into his mouth while he sits on a roof. Immediately after, he chokes on it and pounds on his chest to dislodge it. The gif ends right as Spidey falls off the roof, arms flailing in panic]

101k Retweets – 429k Likes

moon-moon @fakeaccount  
holy shit I WHEEZED this is the only hero I choose to stan

im a whore for thor @dillpickle  
I’ve watched this gif about 70 times and it still isn’t enough asdfk

Superhero Watch @heroesassemble  
Not to expose myself or anything, but am I the only one that has no idea who he is

>>>led needs @GITC  
I always forget that people outside of NY might not know who spider-man is. He’s a local hero that works on a smaller scale than the avengers. He’s known for being super friendly and helping people in small ways, like stopping muggings or saving kittens from trees. 

>>>Spidey-stan @flashthompson  
yeah, people love him in queens. he’s always really nice to his fans and he goes into the children’s hospital to visit sick kids at least twice a month. Spidey’s just a lot more approachable than other avengers and that’s why a lot of people trust him.

>>>Superhero Watch @heroesassemble  
I’ve done some research on him and I now have no choice but to stan 

>>>led needs @GITC  
as you should

__________

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy

[compilation video of a bunch of times spider-man has run into a building mid-swing. Each clip is about 6 seconds long, and the overall video is about 2 minutes long.]

50,577 Retweets – 165,813 Likes

sailor-moon @cindymoon  
holy shit how is he not brain damaged

Mmm watcha say @diasasterbi  
this account is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning 

__________

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy

One time, spider-man was spotted crying because he was petting a cute dog 

38,044 Retweets – 82,764 Likes

green eggs @hammy  
OH MY GOD I HAVE A VIDEO  
[a shaky video of spider-man holding a small puppy. The dog barks happily and licks spidey’s masked face. You can hear faint sniffling and a choked, “such a good boy”]

concrete jungle @wet-dream-toMAto  
Wait I have a pic too????  
[picture of spider-man sitting in the middle of a sidewalk as a dog paws at the spider emblem on his chest.]

Michbael @afraidofinsects  
[video of spider-man stopping patrol mid-swing to pet a stray kitten]

adrian-michael @beaturass  
[video of spidey hopping a fence at 2 AM to pet a random family’s dog before hopping back over the fence]

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy  
The number of replies on this and the number of private DM’s I got is honestly frightening we stan one (1) clumsy boi

___________

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy

Spider-man’s dumbassery is contagious

[pic 1: iron man and spidey are sitting on a roof eating burgers and curly fries. Spidey’s mask is pulled above his mouth so he can eat, and tony’s faceplate is open.  
Pic 2: Spidey pulls out an EXTREMELY curly fry.  
Pic 3: spidey’s mouth is gaping open, and he’s turning to tony while pointing excitedly at the fry  
Pic 4: tony laughs and is in the process of punching spidey’s shoulder  
Pic 5: spidey and tony both looking distraught as the fry falls off the roof]

1.4M Retweets – 2.9M Likes

green eggs @hammy  
i’m CRYING these are the people that protect our planet lmaoooo

Shalissa @not-beyonce  
Ok wait but they’re actually so adorable???

>>>Loony toony @lovegood  
RIGHT?? Like spidey’s excitement over a fry is so??? pure??? hngngnh

Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
Ah oof my dignity hurted

>>>T-Swizzle @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Bold of you to assume you have any dignity, kid

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
mr. sTARK

I’m lezbian @not-american  
HOLY SHIT THEY BOTH COMMENTED AHHHH

Jared, 19 @illiterate  
TONY FUCKING STARK IS FOLLOWING THIS ACCOUNT WTFFF

__________

T-Swizzle @i-am-iron-man ✔

A lot of you are asking about my username, and I’d honestly rather not talk about it.

2.2M Retweets – 3.5M Likes

Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
He lost a bet 

>>>Mmm watcha say @diasasterbi  
What was the bet

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
He said I couldn’t rap the entirety of fergalicious while standing on the ceiling. He dared to challenge my honor.

>>>T-Swizzle @i-am-iron-man ✔  
What honor? You passed out from the blood rush at the end of the song.

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
Lies and slander.

>>>T-Swizzle @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Are you calling me a liar???

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
I ain’t calling you a truther

>>>T-Swizzle @i-am-iron-man ✔  
You asked for it, kid

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
Why do I hear boss music playing???

__________

T-Swizzle @i-am-iron-man ✔

Follow @chaoticgoodboy for the best content on the internet!

3.5M Retweets – 4.8M Likes

Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
MR. STARK NO

War Machine @james-rhodey ✔  
This is the funniest shit I’ve ever seen in my life

Salt n Peppa @pepper-potts ✔  
Tony, remember when we had that discussion about using social media for professional purposes?

>>>T-Swizzle @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Nope

__________

TRENDING NEWS ARTICLES

Tony Stark Pokes Fun at Fellow Superhero, Spider-Man 

Everything You Need to Know About Twitter’s Fastest Growing Account 

Spidey-is-a-disaster Is the Account We All Needed in These Trying Times 

Iron Man and Spider-Man Content is the Best Thing on the Internet


	2. #irondad #spiderson

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy

Wow ok so I wasn’t expecting this account to blow up overnight. I guess I have to step up my content now lmao

46,577 Retweets – 158,813 Likes

__________

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy

[video of spider-man swinging directly into a flock of pigeons. The microphone picks up his quiet shriek mixed with the sound of flapping wings]

2.3M Retweets – 4.7M Likes

Mmm watcha say @diasasterbi  
Me going into finals week

Michbael @afraidofinsects  
Me telling my mom I forgot to take the chicken outta the freezer

Ur my dad @b00giew00gie  
wow I cant believe spidey got rekt by a bunch of govt surveillance drones #birdsarentreal

__________

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy

[Pic 1: spider-man jumps off a building  
Pic 2: iron man catches him  
Pic 3: spidey climbs onto his back and rides him like one of those rocket toys at the supermarket  
Pic 4: spidey spreads his arms out a la titanic  
Pic 5: his arms flailing as a bird hits him in the face and causes him to fall off iron man’s back  
Pic 6: a disgruntled spider-man strapped to iron man’s chest in a baby carrier made out of webs]

4.2M Retweets – 10.3M Likes

You spilled lipstick @aguwahvnow  
Bro Im DYING I can just imagine tony stark yelling at spidey for being a dumbass

Whoever threw that paper @ur-moms-a-hoe  
I’m getting strong dad vibes. Are yall catching them too or????

>>>Avengers stan @i-am-iron-stan  
For sure bro. just an iron dad and his spider son out for a fly around town

>>>Michbael @afraidofinsects  
#irondad #spiderson

Loony toony @lovegood  
Oh my god you guys are so right #irondad #spiderson

adrian-michael @beaturass  
This is by far the best timeline. My acne is cleared, my stress is gone, my crops are watered. #irondad #spiderson

War Machine @james-rhodey ✔  
#irondad #spiderson

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Dammit rhodey not you too

>>>War Machine @james-rhodey ✔  
I’ll stop when you say that you don’t see the kid as yours

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
…

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
:O

>>>War Machine @james-rhodey ✔  
#irondad #spiderson

__________

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy

[Homecoming scene of Spidey fighting the fake avengers in the ATM]

3.1M Retweets – 5.7M Likes

Michbael @afraidofinsects  
Like I know this is a fight and all but I’m CACKLING at the fact that spidey took the time to try to pose nonchalantly

Im jared 19 @idkhowtoread  
not only is spider-man a hero, he’s also a massive troll. I have no choice but to stan

jumpybananas @firstcommentwoo  
Ok so now we know tony stark is a billionaire because he robs ATM machines @ironman you have 24 hours to respond

Im bad at coming up with these @casualmarches  
Lmaoooo when he’s being flung around by an alien ray gun and he still manages to exude sass #spideysass

Windify @redA  
I legit think spidey is the best superhero because who else would be able to give us this quality content?? Captain America wishes

Jenni @boo311  
Did anyone else notice spider-man pulled fake iron man away from the second ray gun?? Even tho fake iron man was legit flinging him around like 30 seconds ago??? He’s so fucking pureeee

Don @Koogrr  
I guess spidey needs to save his dad at all times ##spiderson

__________

Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔

I’ve gained like a million more followers and I figure a lot of you only know me because of @chaoticgoodboy. Bring on the Q and A session! #askspidey

2.1M Retweets – 3.9M Likes

__________

Tea drinker @notthebeverage  
How long have you been spidey and why do you do it #askspidey

Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
I’ve been Spider-man for about 3 years now, and I do it because I love to help other people, even if it’s something as simple as getting a cat stuck in a tree. I just try to look out for the little guy, you know? Thanks for asking!

>>> Tea drinker @notthebeverage  
oh fuck dammit now I have another man crush Monday. Fuck you and your adorable good morals

__________

Graylines @toptier  
Favorite pizza topping #askspidey

Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
Oh god I’m gonna get so much hate for this but I love pineapple pizza

>>>Graylines @toptier  
You don’t deserve rights

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
Absolutely valid thank you comrade

>>>Graylines @toptier  
… maybe you deserve some

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
:)

__________

im a whore for thor @dillpickle  
how close are you with iron man?? you guys seem to interact a lot on twitter #askspidey

Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
We’re pretty close I guess? He helped me when I was a new superhero and now we hang out every week. He’s as much of a nerd as I am so we get along pretty well

>>>War Machine @james-rhodey ✔  
Stop underplaying it kid I saw you guys cuddling last night when you watched star wars

>>> Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
You need to get your eyes checked, old man

>>>Salt n Peppa @pepper-potts ✔  
Do I need to get mine checked too? Because I could’ve sworn I saw the same thing

>>> Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
I’m torn between wanting to save my rep or telling the truth and admitting that pepper potts has absolutely no flaws

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
What do you mean, save your rep?? whats so wrong about being associated with me???

>>> Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
Mr. stark I need to maintain my street cred as a badass fighter for justice. I can’t have the people knowing that I’m not a hardass 24/7

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy  
Do you think he forgot most of his followers have seen him crying over dogs

Tea drinker @notthebeverage  
I may not know who spider man is but the fact that he’s a cuddler is in no way surprising to me. The fact that he and tony stark cuddle together is even less so #irondad #spiderson

You spilled lipstick @aguwahvnow  
I’m fucking living for this domestic shit #irondad #spiderson

__________

Moon-moon @fakeacct  
Are you as much of a mess irl as you are on @chaoticgoodboy #askspidey

Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Yes.

>>> Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
: ( I said I was sorry for blowing up the lab

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Sorry doesn’t bring back lab 13C

>>> Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
sORry dOEsNt briNg BAcK lAb 13C

>>>Salt n Peppa @pepper-potts ✔  
You did WHAT

>>> Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
Im so sorry ms potts I’ll clean it up and repair the damages I swear

>>> Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Why do you respect my fiancée so much more than you respect me

>>> Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
I respect you both equally. I’m just more afraid of ms pott’s wrath

Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Hahaha wuss

>>>Salt n Peppa @pepper-potts ✔  
Excuse me?

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Have I mentioned how much I love you yet today? Well I do, you’re the love of my life. So gorgeous and caring and not angry at me pls pep

>>>Salt n Peppa @pepper-potts ✔  
hmm

>>>War Machine @james-rhodey ✔  
#ironmom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thank you all so much for the comments and kudos! I hope this chapter was worth the wait, I'm gonna try and update more regularly from now on. Also, I hit a wall when it came to making random usernames so I used some from the comments. Let me know if you're not cool with it and I'll change it. Until next time!


	3. Spidey Breaks Some Fanboys

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy

[Spider-man is wearing a plastic iron man helmet as he’s fighting the villain of the week. the video manages to pick up his tony stark impression, and every time he shoots his webs, he makes repulsor pew pew noises.]

46,577 Retweets – 158,813 Likes

im a whore for thor @dillpickle  
Why are you wearing a plastic helmet? Doesn’t that limit your vision

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
I chose to wear the helmet because I feel like so many people seem to treat tony stark as if he isn’t a hero when in reality, he’s the best of all of us

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
As sweet as that is, the real reason is that he was volunteering at the local children’s hospital and he wore that helmet as a joke for the kids during play time. Turns out, full grown spider heads aren’t meant to fit in children’s toys and he got stuck. 

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
Stop exposing me mr. stark

Mmm watcha say @diasasterbi  
Ok so are we 100 percent sure this mans is real?? No one can be this adorable 

trace @idontknowher  
Alright that’s it, I cant take it anymore

>>>trace @idontknowher  
Im gonna drop out of high school and become a mugger so I can meet spidey

>>>like a @cheesestick  
Tracey no

>>>trace @idontknowher  
Tracey yes

_________

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy

[Pic 1: SM is eating a taco and sitting on the roof of an abandoned building.  
Pic 2: He takes a bite, and taco sauce and some filling drips down the front of his suit.  
Pic 3: He looks down and pouts  
Pic 4: He’s trying to scoop it up with a tortilla chip.]

78,446 Retweets – 349,835 Likes

Thexploress @quadrad  
He’s babyyyyy

Sandersins @fiona_20202  
The pout oh my godddd

That one trash @luoca  
I will fight every taco for spider man

Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
That is a million dollar suit that you’re ruining

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
You never should’ve given me a million dollar suit. I’m really more of a Walmart bargain rack kind of person

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
I will take the suit away I swear to god

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
Ok boomer

Jared, 19 @illiterate  
ASLSLAKfjS

__________

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy

[Shaky video begins. They’re filming the opening of an alley while chanting “omg omg omg” over and over again. Then, a goose comes waddling out, holding a knife. There’s silence for about 2 seconds before the goose starts chasing the camera and the video cuts off as the person starts sprinting.]  
[A picture is attached: it’s a security camera shot of spidey being chased by an angry goose.]

856,767 Retweets – 1.5M Likes

It’s an avocado @thanksssss  
Holy shit there’s no way this happened in real life

The_official @goosebitch  
Peace was never an option

Luoca @anxietOwO  
Damn, I guess spidey got killed by an alley goose. Press f to pay respects

>>>painnnn @why  
Press y to honk 

>>>Mar @tinyvictory  
Y

>>>Salt n Peppa @pepper-potts ✔  
Y

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Y

>>>War Machine @james-rhodey ✔  
Y

Names @arehardtothinkof  
How did this account get these??? That video was taken from spidey’s pov, and I can’t think of any business letting a twitter acct use their private surveillance footage???

>>>Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy  
Wouldn’t you like to know weather boy

>>> Names @arehardtothinkof  
Mom please come pick me up im scared

__________

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy

[video of spider-man trying to eat pizza as he swings. A particularly large pigeon swoops in and tries to nab his slice. Spidey tries to shoo the bird away, landing on a nearby roof in a crouched position. The pigeon also lands on the roof, strutting towards the vigilante with its stupid cocky pigeon walk. The video ends as the bird suddenly takes flight, diving towards his face]

2.3M Retweets – 4.7M Likes

concrete jungle @wet-dream-toMAto  
Lmaoooo I’m so done poor spidey can’t catch a break

sailor-moon @cindymoon  
Imagine seeing this in the wild bro like wtf  
Spidey-stan @flashthompson  
Do you ever stop and think about how this account probably only scratches the surface?? Like how many of spidey’s disaster moments aren’t caught on camera

>>> moon-moon @fakeaccount  
Oh my god you’re totally right imagine all the fights against pigeons we never get to see

>>>shkesper @tobeornah  
I am absolutely distraught over the fact that spidey has probably fought a subway rat and I’ll never get to see it

__________ 

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy

[video of spidey waiting in line at a hot dog stand to buy food. He looks across the street, and the camera pans to show a little boy wearing a spider-man costume, staring at him. The camera pans back to spider-man, who immediately jumps into the spidey pointing finger meme]

7.7M Retweets – 10.4M Likes

Michbael @afraidofinsects  
Ahhhhh he recreated that meme from the avengers fan convention

Ur my dad @b00giew00gie  
Hey did the people in the meme ever come forward and take credit for it

>>>Michbael @afraidofinsects  
yeah one person did but the other person never fessed up

Loony toony @lovegood  
lmaoooo how funny would it be if spidey actually came to the convention among all the other fake spideys and that’s why we don’t know who the second spiderman in the meme is

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
hahaha about that…

>>>green eggs @hammy  
youre fucking kidding right

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
yes, but in a much more real sense… no

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
you went to a fan convention dressed up as your secret identity

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
I really wanted to get to know some of my fans ok???? And I wanted to check out some of my merch sue me

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Oh my god this is the funniest thing ive ever heard

Shalissa @not-beyonce  
WAIT???? So the second person in the meme is actually the real spider man???????

>>>First spidey @memelord  
No way, I hung out with the guy for like an hour before that picture happened. I would’ve known if he was the real spiderman

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
Hey Daniel, hows your sister doing? I remember she was worried about getting into MIT 

>>>First spidey @memelord  
ALSKDFJDK nope nope nuh uh I did not hang out with actual spiderman and become a meme with him. Nope, I reject this reality nope nope

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
Lmao sorry for not telling you man. secret identities are a lot of work, you know?

>>>First spidey @memelord  
This is literally the best and worst day of my life, idk how to cope

Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Stop giving fanboys mental breakdowns, kid

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
But it’s fun :( I cant wait until they find out I run an incorrect avengers account where all the quotes are actual quotes I’ve heard you guys say

>>>Tumblr fiend @askaboutmyshoelaces  
WHAT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this chapter is so late. I really don't have an excuse, I just suck lol. Thanks for all the comments and kudos, without them this chapter wouldn't have happened at all. Let me know if you liked this! Also if the next update takes this long to post then please bully me into writing, it's the only way it'll get done. Until next time, thanks for reading!


	4. Bonus: Peter's Incorrect Avengers Acct

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I honestly wasn't planning on writing this, but you guys seemed really excited about it and it made me excited to write it. So here's a bonus chapter of Peter's avengers quotes! I'm writing as if the rogues aren't in the tower, so it's pretty much just Tony, Pepper, Peter, and Rhodey. ((Please note some of these are popular jokes or head canons and def don't belong to me, I'm not taking credit for them)) Enjoy!!

(At a mission debrief with Iron Man, Spider-man, War Machine, and Vision)

Spidey: There’s only one thing worse than going rogue

Spidey: (rips off paper to reveal “steve going rogue”) boom

Tony: (nodding) Steve. 

Spidey: no 

__________ 

Spidey (calling tony through his suit): Good news, I’m not made out of cake

Tony: ???

Spidey: Bad news, I think this knife is dangerously close to nicking an artery

Tony: ?????????!!!!!!!!!

_________ 

Tony: RHODEY COME HERE

Col Rhodes: Oh my god what

Tony: Spidey just came back from hanging out with his friends at the mall

Col. Rhodes: …ok?

Tony: and I asked him to bring me back something 

Col. Rhodes: …and?

Tony: Obviously that means bring me a smoothie or something, right???

Col. Rhodes: …yeah?

Spidey (wandering into the room, petting a pigeon): Well next time, you should specify

__________ 

Spidey: (giggling in the labs alone)

Pepper: (Walking in) What did you do

Spidey: Nothing!

Pepper: …

Spidey: Ok so maybe I built a roomba that follows mr. stark into his meetings and sings “tony stark doo doo doo doo doo doo” to the tune of baby shark whenever he yawns

Pepper: why???

Spidey: I wanted to count how many times he yawns during his meetings and I needed a clear sign

Spidey: grand total right now is 45

Spidey: (distant baby shark tune is heard)

Spidey: 46

__________ 

Iron Man: (taking down a minor drug cartel with Spider-man)

Iron Man: (yelling) Duck!

Spidey: Awwww where?? 

Spidey: (gets punched)

(a few minutes later)

Iron Man: To the left!

Spidey: (giggles) Take it back now, y’all

Spidey (gets punched again)

Spidey: (groaning) cha cha real smooth

__________ 

Col. Rhodes: Dammit who ate my box of powdered donuts???

Tony: …

Spidey: …

Tony: (with a visibly full mouth) who knows?

Spidey: (with an equally full mouth) it’s a mystery

Col. Rhodes: what’s that white powder falling out of your mouth spidey

Spidey: (panicking) cocaine

Tony: (whispering angrily) you don’t eat cocaine

Spidey: (panicking more) baby powder

Col. Rhodes: …

Spidey: …

Tony: (nodding) so we don’t chafe

__________ 

Col. Rhodes: So what’s the plan here guys?

Spidey: I was thinking pizza

Iron Man: No way, I’ve been craving Chinese takeout for days

Col. Rhodes: … 

Col. Rhodes: Let me specify

Col. Rhodes: What’s the plan FOR TAKING DOWN THIS HYDRA BASE

Spidey: oh yeah lmao

Iron Man: I don’t know, shoot them before they shoot us?

Spidey: sounds good to me!

Iron Man and Spidey: (immediately launch themselves towards Hydra)

Col. Rhodes: …

Col. Rhodes: We’re all going to die 

__________ 

Spidey: MS POTTS PLEASE COME HERE

Pepper: Oh my god what’s wrong???

Spidey: So I told mr. stark I wanted to watch the office, right?

Pepper: …ok?

Spidey: and I asked him if he could buy me Netflix

Pepper: …and?

Spidey: Obviously that just means I wanted an account, right???

Pepper: …yeah?

Tony (signing ownership papers and putting cap’s PSAs on Netflix): weLL nExT tiMe, yOu shOuLd sPeCIfy

__________ 

Pepper: Now what do we say when we feel anxious

Tony: Sometimes it be like that

Pepper: No.

Spidey: it ees what it ees 

Pepper: (signing up for two therapy sessions) No. 

__________ 

Spidey: (leaning out of a medbay window, yelling at the top of his lungs)

Spidey: THE NEXT TIME ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SHOOTS ME, DO ME A FAVOR AND **FINISH THE FUCKING JOB**

**__**

**__**

Tony: Spidey no

Spidey: this is so sad alexa play “hit me baby one more time”

Tony: Spidey NO

__________ 

Tony: (angrily looking through his closet)

Pepper: What’re you looking for?

Tony: All my hoodies keep going missing 

Pepper: Huh, weird, all my fuzzy socks have been going missing too

Col. Rhodes: Now that you mention it, I haven’t seen my favorite blanket since I washed it

Spidey: (passing by, wrapped in a blanket cape, wearing 3 hoodies and 4 layers of fuzzy socks)

Spidey: spooky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh hope you guys liked it! It was fun to write but also I don't think there's going to be any more of these bonus chapters in this story. I might put some into the other works I have planned, so stay tuned! Hope it lived up to the hype, until next time.


	5. No one listens to Tony

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy ✔

I’m verified bitches

8.1M Retweets – 11.8M Likes

__________

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy ✔

[spider-man is walking slowly in the rain, eyes trained on the ground. The music added in the background is the off key “all around me are familiar faces”]

7.7M Retweets – 10.4M Likes

moon-moon @fakeaccount  
Lmaooo this is such a mood

Mmm watcha say @diasasterbi  
Who hurt you bb

green eggs @hammy  
Bitch I FELT that

led needs @GITC  
Lol when your homecoming date’s dad turns out to be a supervillain

>>>Spidey-stan @flashthompson  
That’s not really relatable man

>>>led needs @GITC  
Oh really my bad. [looks into the camera like it’s the office]

>>>Spidey-stan @flashthompson  
What

>>>led needs @GITC  
What

_________ 

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy ✔

[spidey is laying on a park bench, and a little boy nervously comes up to him and taps on one of his shoulders. Spidey smiles, sits up, and pats the bench next to him. The kid’s face lights up. The little boy asks him how he makes money if no one pays him to save people. 

Spidey nods wisely and says (completely serious), “You see, recently I was diagnosed with mesothelioma and I am now entitled to financial compensation.” 

There’s a beat of silence, then the vid ends abruptly as the person filming bursts out laughing.]

6.2M Retweets – 9.7M Likes

Somedayyyy @legless47  
Oh my god he’s such a troll

Samiza @yourlocalgremlin  
That kid probably has no idea what that means lmaooo

donkoogrr @Melancholy_haze  
Imagine telling your friends on the playground that spidey doesn’t need a job because he has mesothelioma 

Anja @huffalapuffala  
Oh god, if spidey knows memes like that does that mean he sees all the thirst tweets too???

>>> Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
Yes it does

>>> Anja @huffalapuffala  
Aslkfhdkl im moving to the fucking moon I cant stay here

>>> Violet moon @18Name27  
*shoving breadsticks into my purse* you know what I think im going to join you

__________ 

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy ✔

[Attached: Security video with audio – 

A dude wearing a batman mask is trying to mug a woman. Spidey jumps in, stares for a bit, then asks incredulously, “This is literally the opposite of what batman does. Why are you doing this??”

The mugger just growls in anger and turns to spidey to fight. The woman takes this as an opportunity to escape. The fight is over pretty quickly. The dude swings a punch. Spidey ducks, and the dude ends up punching a brick wall with all his might. He yells in pain, and spidey takes the opportunity to web him up. 

He looks at the guy’s hand, winces in sympathy, and says “man. that’s gonna leave a BRUCE in the morning. Haha get it? Bruce? Like Bruce Wayne?”]

6.7M Retweets – 10.1M Likes

Sdottkrames @infaramona  
Oh my god he’s a geek

>>>mj @black-dahlia  
Of course he’s a fucking geek I thought it was obvious???

apparently the blind goddess @SudeniShindeIru  
I kinda forgot that spidey actually fights crime lol

awkward _ravenclaw @jenniboo311  
Right??? Hes really competent for a walking disaster

__________ 

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy ✔

Spidey wearing bright green crocs over his suit. That’s it. That’s the tweet.  
[attached: 1 img]

9.9M Retweets – 12.7M Likes

Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
That’s sacrilegious

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
I don’t think that’s the right definition of sacriligious

>>> Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
I don’t care. You put crocs??? on MY SUIT????

>>> Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
Technically it’s my suit, mr. stark

>>>War Machine @james-rhodey ✔  
I don’t know why you’re getting so bent outta shape over this, tones. You used to love crocs back in college

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Shut up that’s a lie honey bear

>>>War Machine @james-rhodey ✔  
[a picture of a young tony stark in college wearing bright yellow crocs] like father like son 

concrete jungle @wet-dream-toMAto  
OH MY GODDD #irondad #spiderson

Michbael @afraidofinsects  
Brooo it’s like theyre twinning across decades #irondad #spiderson

adrian-michael @beaturass  
My favorite thing on the internet is col. rhodes exposing tony stark

>>> Shalissa @not-beyonce  
Also that he’s provides over half of the #irondad content 

Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Betrayal :( 

Crocs @official-crocs-company ✔  
We’d love to have you two as sponsors for the brand! There may even be limited edition crocs in it for you if you take our offer ;)

>>> Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
Oh my god :D

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Absolutely not. Nothing you say could convince me

>>> Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
D:

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Stop it

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
; – ; 

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Oh my god fine

__________ 

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy ✔

I cant believe my account led to limited edition spider-man crocs  
[Tony stark attending an important gala wearing an Armani suit and spider-man crocs. in the background of the picture, pepper potts is staring at his feet in pure disgust.]

10.3M Retweets – 19.1M Likes

Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
I thought you liked spider-man @pepper-potts

>>>Salt n Peppa @pepper-potts ✔  
I love spider-man. not crocs. and not at the gala for stark industry investors. 

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Youre just jealous you don’t have a pair

>>>Salt n Peppa @pepper-potts ✔  
No im not

>>>War Machine @james-rhodey ✔  
I am 

>>>Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
I don’t even have a pair???

>>>Crocs @official-crocs-company ✔  
Well that just won’t do…

__________ 

Spidey-is-a-disaster @chaoticgoodboy ✔

Is this really what my account has become.  
[rhodey, pepper, tony, and spidey are eating churros and chilling on a park bench. All four are wearing spider-man crocs] 

11.6M Retweets – 20.4M Likes

Loony toony @lovegood  
I don’t care what happens for the rest of the year, this is my favorite moment. nothing could top this

I’m lezbian @not-american  
Oh my god this is the cutest shit

You spilled lipstick @aguwahvnow  
Ok but if iron man is #irondad, pepper potts is definitely #ironmom

Whoever threw that paper @ur-moms-a-hoe  
Then the colonel is #ironuncle

Tea drinker @notthebeverage  
#ironfam

Four female ghostbusters @adultvirgin  
#ironfam

Webhead @theofficialspider-man ✔  
#ironfam :D

>>>Salt n Peppa @pepper-potts ✔  
:D

>>>War Machine @james-rhodey ✔  
:D

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
Stop this. The internet will be impossible after this my notifications are already going through the roof

>>>Salt n Peppa @pepper-potts ✔  
Just join us you softie. You know you love it 

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
…fine

>>>Tony Stark @i-am-iron-man ✔  
#ironfam :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to fit as many usernames from comments as I could, let me know if you're not cool with it and I'll edit yours out. It's just a little way for me to thank you guys for all your kind words! Please keep it up, I absolutely adore reading all of them. Honestly comments and kudos are the only reason I remember to update lmao, college is kinda kicking my ass at the moment. 
> 
> I hope this chapter made you laugh (or at least exhale air from your nose). I really don't know if it's funny or not, my brain has leaked out of my ears with this last round of exams. Let me know how I did! I'll try to update soon but just based on precedent it'll be another month until I remember. Until next time!


End file.
